Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

2016 Oscars slammed for having no actor nominee of color

Well, unless, you count Matt Damon, who’s off white.

Iran frees sailors from two US Ships

If they were Carnival Cruise ships, Iran could have claimed it was a rescue mission.

Khloe Kardashian getting a talk show

When what she really needs is a ‘Shut the Hell Up Show.’

Rupert Murdoch announced his engagement to Jerry Hall

Steve Harvey congratulated Christie Brinkley.

Sean Penn interview of El Chapo led authorities to the Mexican drug lord

It seems they could spot Penn’s ego from a satellite.

Bill Kristol is ‘semi-serious’ about launching a new third party

I’d rather he made a new ‘City Slickers.’

President Obama’s last State of the Union address was huge on Twitter

Which would have made it the perfect time for the Prez to say, ‘Yup, born in Kenya…’

Drug Enforcement Administration: Agency paid Amtrak employee over $800,000 to act as informant

Too bad the info was always late.

There are 63,000 structurally deficient bridges in the U.S.

Chris Christie: ‘See? You should have been thanking me when I was blocking access.’

China burned $3.5 billion a day in December

Making it the Charlie Sheen of countries.

Oscars 2016: ‘The Revenant’ gets 12 Academy Award nominations

It’s a sure winner for ‘Best Film with an Obscure Word in its Title.’

Beyoncé’s debut solo album ‘Dangerously In Love’ has now sold more than 5 million copies in the U.S.

No word where Kanye’s storing them.

Police: Pizza driver stabs customer over delivery time

Somebody didn’t get the memo on the meaning of delivering a slice.

Donald Trump says he views Presidential race as a ‘war’

If he really believed that, he’d have already taken a deferment.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)