Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Palin effect: What’s the reaction to Trump endorsement?

Wild cheering and happiness in the ‘SNL’ writers’ room…

Massive snowstorm wallops East Coast

The East Coast was so covered in white, it was a storm of Oscar proportions.

RIP Glen Frey

You may have checked out of the ‘Hotel California’ but for those of us who heard you, you will indeed never leave.

Largest chocolate chip cookie weighed 38,000 pounds

And, according to Chris Christie was delicious.

Donald Trump ramps up Ted Cruz assault: He’s a ‘nasty guy’ and ‘nobody likes him’

I can’t be only one feeling the sexual tension between these two.

Sanders uses Simon and Garfunkel classic in campaign ad

Well, if Bernie didn’t already have the old, Jewish, liberal voter on Manhattan’s West Side vote locked up, this oughta do it.

Donald Trump misquotes the Bible while speaking at a Christian university

Bobby Jindal on Donald Trump: Of course, he hasn’t read the Bible, he’s not in it.

Gas drops to 47 cents a gallon in Michigan

And, it’s safer to drink than the water in Flint.

Fox News anchor O’Reilly threatens move to Ireland if Bernie Sanders is elected US President

Like the Irish don’t have enough reasons to drink already.

Jamie Foxx saves man from burning car

The Oscars are planning to pay a special tribute for the action to Johnny Depp.

Sarah Palin endorses Donald Trump

She was going to endorse Ted Cruz but she has trouble pronouncing Canadian words.

Calls mount for host Chris Rock to boycott Oscars

People need to stop telling Chris Rock to not host the Oscars. Just let Larry the Cable Guy host the BETs and call it even.

Texas father charged with trying to sell his own son

No word if anyone actually made an offer to George H.W Bush for W.

Mike Bloomberg eying run for President

Isn’t there something in the Constitution about having to be tall enough to ride a roller coaster?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)