Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Beyoncé, Bruno Mars heat up Coldplay’s Super Bowl halftime show

Personally, I was rooting for The Police to show up. Not the band, but the actual police to arrest Johnny Manziel.

ABC News: Christie suspends presidential campaign

Asked what’s next? Christie said, ‘he’ll block that bridge when he gets there.’

Texas couple accused of holding nanny captive for two years

So, that’s what happened to Fran Drescher.

Cliven Bundy: FBI arrests father of Oregon militia leader Ammon Bundy

Ironically, in jail, he’ll still be getting government stuff for free.

Scientists prove Einstein right about gravitational waves from converging black holes

Or, as most of call it ‘huh?’

Trump: ‘I would bring back waterboarding. And I would bring back a hell of a lot worse’

Sorry, Donald, ‘The Apprentice’ already has a new host.

Puppy shoots Florida man, authorities say

That’ll teach him to breed Glockerspaniels.

Bronco Von Miller takes home Super Bowl 50 MVP trophy

Although, Kanye thought it should have gone to Beyoncé.

Bernie and Trump win New Hampshire

So, it’s the Socialist and the Sociopath.

Carly Fiorina drops out of Prez race

On plus side for her, she did last longer than HP products did when she was CEO.

Ted Cruz fires back at Marco Rubio in Spanish at Republican debate

Trump calls for both to be deported.

Former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore ends his Presidential campaign

I’m betting he did it quickly, using the 10 supporters or less checkout line.

No Doubt: Band members reportedly form new group without Gwen Stefani

Look for them to be as successful as ‘And the Pips.’

Senator Mitch McConnell: Next president should choose Scalia’s successor

I’m thinking Obama should nominate McConnell, that way McConnell could oppose himself.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)