Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Donald Trump fires back at sharp rebuke by Pope Francis

So, it’s ‘His Holiness’ against ‘His AssHoliness.’

Florida couple comes forward to claim share of $1.6 billion Powerball Jackpot prize

Or, as I now call them, ‘Mom and Dad.’

Donnie Wahlberg endorses Marco Rubio

Makes sense, a member of ‘New Kids’ endorsing a former member of ‘Menudo.’

Happy 35^th birthday, Paris Hilton

What do you get for the girl who hasn’t earned anything?

Kanye West says he’s 53 million in debt

Someone should start a funding campaign on a site called PrickStarter.

Student has threesome with both of his English teachers

Apparently, he was ‘prepositioned.’ And, I for one, am shocked, this sounds way more like a class in French.

Obama to skip Scalia’s funeral

It seems the President decided to not attend, opting to celebrate at home…

Donald Trump says he’s thinking of a 3rd party run

Wouldn’t be that surprising if he left GOP for a younger Eastern European party.

Paul McCartney denied entrance into Tyga’s ‘Grammy’ after party

Who was at the door? Yoko?

Kanye asks Mark Zuckerberg for a billion dollars

Zuckerberg should open a new site to answer called LaughingInYourFaceBook.

Tila Tequila: Reality TV personality defends her use of racial slur

This woman has got to stop ruining the good name of tequila.

Jeb! suspends his campaign

Although, he may need to check into rehab to get over his Koch addiction.

Happy 82^nd birthday, Yoko Ono

For fun why don’t you go out and breakup Nickelback?

Bad news for Ted Cruz: his eligibility for president is going to court

Although, it hasn’t been determined yet in which of his three countries the case will be heard.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)