Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Oscars 2016: Leonardo DiCaprio finally bags his first Oscar

Although, Senator Mitch McConnell insists he should give it back until there’s a new President.

Obama is considering a surprising US Supreme Court pick

C’mon Mr. President, pick Taylor Swift, just so we can hear Kanye bitch it should be Beyoncé.

Mitt Romney trolls Trump about Trump not releasing his tax returns

Damn, that’s like Charles Manson giving the Unabomber shit.

Ben Carson says the President was ‘raised white’

Big deal, so was Donald Trump and he turned out orange.

Adolf Hitler: Historians say leader of Nazi party had genital abnormalities and micro penis

Nowadays, instead of annexing Poland, that’s dealt with by buying a Corvette…

Get ready for President Trump, says election whiz who’s scary accurate

If Trump is elected to follow Obama as Prez, than orange would really be the new black.

Happy 82nd Birthday, Willie Nelson

A man who’s very existence could be called the big bong theory.

Tokyo kids wear turd hats and jump into giant loo to learn how toilets work

Proving American kids aren’t the only one’s who can behave like little shits.

USAF released photos of proposed Stealth Bomber

Actually, it was a photo of clear skies and a spokesperson saying, ‘trust me, its there.’

Marco Rubio’s ‘Morning Again in America’ ad opens with a Canadian skyline

No word if it made Ted Cruz homesick.

Actor Terry Crews says he was addicted to porn

Wondering if as a step in his recovery he had to check into a 1/2 way house of ill repute.

3 stabbed at KKK rally near Disneyland

Showing it’s a small-minded world after all.

Ancient Greek sculpture depicts what some say is a laptop computer, report says

The screen image has been frozen for 1000’s of years, so, it’s probably using ‘Microsoft Vista.’

Sears widens its losses

Looks like Sears Roebucks is now Sears No-bucks.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)