Excerpts from William Faulkner's "The Donald"

Did you know William Faulkner wrote a novel based on Donald Trump? Well, our intrepid writer dug it up, and here’s an exclusive excerpt, just for Humor Times readers!

I smell hit I smell hit right away. The cheap cologne and you could smell hit all the way from Memphis and it meant that Mister Trump and his yellow hair was coming and would be here soon and all the help got real quiet-like and Pappy said, “Albert, you go into the barn.” Because Albert look like Mex and Mister Trump, he hated Mex more’n he hated colored and Injuns and whenever Mister Trump come in to visit Albert had to go hide with the chickens until Mister Trump took himself back to Memphis. And Mister Trump say kikes almost as bad as Mex and Injuns and he once threw a brick through Goldenbergs department store and wouldn’t let nobody shop there. And old Captain Vern call him a short-fingered vulgarian, using them big words and Mister Trump found out and made Captain Vern wear a dunce cap and march up and down Main Street, up and down.

William Faulkner, Donald Trump — William Faulkner’s Underwood typewriter.

And Mama say Mister Trump is loud and she feel sorry for Albert, having to hide out with the chickens and she use’ta shop at Goldenbergs until Mister Trump shut it on down. But Pappy said “Don’t pay Mister Trump no mind that’s just who he is. And when he go on about being president of these United States you don’t pay no attention neither. And jes praise his big fingers. Say to him, You a big-fingered man, Mister Trump! And call him Mister President Trump.”

And Mama say “Why he gon’ on and on about being president because that’s the craziest fool thing I ever hear and nobody would elect that yellow-haired old man for dogcatcher. Hes an old looney.” And Pappy say “hush up” but look down on the ground and sigh. Because Mister Trump own our house and everyones house and would just foreclose as fast as he would look at you. And Mister Trump, he throwed Dilsey out of the house and said no respectable house of caucasian people should have any nigra help, even Dilsey and not to hire no Mex or Injun neither nor shop at a Jew store and now Mama has to work twice as hard and leave the county to do her shopping since Goldenbergs closed.

And Mister Trump, he commenced to yelling and yelling “I am the president of these United States. I am the president and look who’s got the biggest hands you just look at these hands, there aint no short fingers nohow and nowhere. Who got bigger hands than me? Biggest hands in the whole goddamn world.”

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Richard Klin

Author at richardklin.com

Richard Klin is a writer based in New York's Hudson Valley. His novel, Petroleum Transfer Engineer, was published by Underground Voices. He also wrote Something to Say (Leapfrog Press), a series of profiles of various artists discussing the intersection of art and politics, and Abstract Expressionism for Beginners. His work has been featured in NPR's All Things Considered and has appeared in the Brooklyn Rail, the Forward, Akashic Books's Thursdaze series, January, and others.