Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Kim Kardashian: Reality TV personality posts nude bathroom selfie

Like anyone would recognize her with her clothes on.

Gary Busey to be in ‘Sharknado 4’

Sounds like sharks don’t only eat meat; they also like nuts.

Colin Powell: Former Secretary of State says GOP candidates are ‘belittling’ Presidential office

Powell should be named ‘Secretary of Stating the Obvious.’

Inventor of modern email, Ray Tomlinson, dies

In lieu of flowers, his family asks that people send money to that Nigerian relative who keeps contacting them.

Happy 76th birthday, Chuck Norris

He’s getting near the age where he can star in ‘Needs A Walker: Texas Ranger.’

Joe’s Crab Shack apologizes for using photo of lynching as table decor

I hear on Tuesday’s they have a special ‘Klu Klux Klam Bake.’

Ben Carson endorses Donald Trump

Trump supporters didn’t know whether to cheer or punch Carson in the face.

Obama in Texas during Nancy Reagan’s funeral

So, he was out of the country.

Rupert Murdoch and Jerry Hall go on honeymoon

I’m betting his doctor told her that after he takes Viagra, if he’s still stiff after 4 hours to call a coroner.

Bernie Sanders beats Hilary Clinton in Kansas

I’m shocked. There are Democrats in Kansas?

Mike Bloomberg announces he won’t run for President

Causing the Democratic candidates and his heirs to cheer.

Grover Norquist: Clinton already lost the election

Shocking, I had no idea that ‘Sesame Street’ character had a last name.

Happy 70th Birthday, Liza Minnelli

A woman whose married more gay men than a Justice of the Peace in West Hollywood.

All aboard! Hulk Hogan, Mike Tyson, Lou Ferrigno, Tila Tequila jump on the ‘Trump Train’

Let’s face it, this isn’t a campaign it’s an episode of VH1’s ‘I Haven’t Done Shit Since the 90’s.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)