Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Happy 57^th birthday, Flavor Flav

I’m sure you’re still busy turning all those clocks ahead.

SeaWorld will cease breeding killer whales

Whales who have only committed misdemeanors, however, can continue to get busy.

Kasich takes Ohio

And, as we know, as Ohio goes, so goes parts of Western Pennsylvania.

Judge allows Lindsay Lohan to advance in ‘Grand Theft Auto’ lawsuit

Not sure about this. Now, if the game was called ‘Trainwreck…’

President Obama’s Supreme Court pick is a 63-year-old white guy

… and fellow Kenyan.

Grand Dragon of KKK says he’s no longer supporting Trump

So, he’s against the Blacks, the Browns and the Orange.

Pornhub sees a notable surge in ‘leprechaun porn’ viewing on St. Patrick’s Day

Bringing new meaning to the term ‘getting a little.’

Madonna pulls down shirt of 17-year-old female fan during concert

If that doesn’t get Madonna’s estranged teenage son to show up, nothing will.

Marco Rubio drops out of race

I was, however, amazed at Rubio’s concession speech. Not that he made It, but that his mom let him stay out that late to give it.

Emails: Hillary Clinton asked for a BlackBerry in 2009, but the NSA said no

Instead, they suggested she use MySpace, because nobody would ever look there.

Hulk Hogan: Woman in sex tape testifies in wrestler’s privacy trial

Like all his stuff on tape, turns out it’s just him with another partner faking it.

Scott Baio endorses Donald Trump

Can someone tell me who the cast members of ‘The Facts of Life’ are endorsing, so I can not give a rat’s ass about that either?

Why President Obama’s approval rating is at a 3-year high?

Comparison shopping.

KISS announces 40th Anniversary Tour

Instead of ‘Rocking and Rolling,’ look for them to keep getting up ‘All Night’ to pee.

Arnold Schwarzenegger walks out of an interview over a Trump question

Look for Arnold’s next film ‘The Interview Terminator.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)