Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Man builds Scarlett Johansson robot

It so real realistic its first words to him were, ‘Yeah, like you got a chance.’

Bernie Sanders takes Washington, Alaska, Hawaii

…and most of Scandinavia.

United Airlines pilot arrested for being a pimp

Now we know why they call it a ‘lay over.’

Nurse who snapped photo of patient’s penis surrenders license

So, where’d they discover it? In her junk mail?

Trump: “I had absolutely nothing to do with Cruz ‘National Enquirer’ infidelity story”

Trump: ‘But, if I did, my mistresses are waaaaay hotter.’

Katt Williams reportedly found naked and covered in chocolate

From now on he should be known as ‘Kit Katt’ Williams.

Happy Birthday, Anita Bryant

Born on the same day as Elton John, proving God has a great sense of humor.

Marco Rubio reportedly trying to hold onto his delegates, despite dropping out of the race

Shouldn’t that be ‘delegate?’

Congress goes on official spring break

When what they really should be going to is detention.

Comedian Garry Shandling passes away at 66

This is the theme to Garry’s life. This is the theme to Garry’s life. This is the theme to Garry’s life. To make people laugh. RIP, funny man.

‘Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles’ files for bankruptcy

No word if before filing they tried to bring it back using a defibrillator.

Jeb Bush endorses Ted Cruz

No word if his three supporters will follow him.

Emily Ratajkowski and Kim Kardashian take topless selfies

I was so offended I almost didn’t click the link… Twice.

Petition to allow guns at the Republican Convention

The amazing thing is it’s not by Democrats.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)