Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Ripping the Headlines Today

Nicolas Cage gets in physical fight with Motley Crue vet Vince Neil

Or, as one witness described it, “why is ‘What’s His Name, Again?’ fighting with ‘Didn’t He Used To Be?’”

Bernie Sanders has won 8 of the last 9 primaries

If this keeps up Hillary will be President 3 weeks ago.

Netflix admits downgrading video quality on mobile: WSJ

Look for their new show ‘Grainy is the New Clear.’

It’s National Sibling Day

You can also celebrate if you’re an only child with multiple personality disorder.

John Kasich has poor showing in Wisconsin Republican primary

Yup, he finished fourth, right behind Ted Cruz and two of the voices in Trump’s head.

Snoop Dogg thinking of buying ‘Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles’

If just the guys he smokes dope with pay to eat there, he’ll make a fortune.

California driver survives cliff crash, gets struck by bus

No word yet from hospital on the condition of Wile E. Coyote.

Everything you need to know about the ‘Panama Papers’

Hey, stoners, just so you know, it turns out this has nothing to do with weed.

Trump predicts ‘very massive recession’ in U.S

And, he’s the man to do it!

El Chapo gains weight in prison

I guess his new nickname is ‘El Chubbo.’

Play ball! Major League Baseball is back!

…And, the San Diego Padres already are mathematically eliminated.

Happy 90th Birthday, Hugh Hefner

I guess it’s true: 90 is the new 69.

East Harlem, NYC: Images surface of sanitation worker’s collection of discarded items

So, that’s what happened to those ‘Giuliani for President’ stickers.

‘Kocktails with Khloe’ cancelled

No word if it will be replaced with ‘Kocaine with Kanye.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)