Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Clinton & Sanders battle in Brooklyn during feisty debate

I can’t be the only one feeling the sexual tension between these two.

Huge drug raid found so much weed that the National Guard was called in

Because, apparently, those guys know how to party.

NY Republicans ignore Ted Cruz at gala

On the upside, he was still able to get a cab quicker than Ben Carson.

Kobe Bryant ends 20-year career with a Lakers victory scoring 60 points in final game

Turns out Kobe arrived late for the game. He got stuck behind a slow car and refused to pass.

Salmon caught near Seattle are full of cocaine and antidepressants

And, why restaurants price them by the gram…

The Bible: Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam vetoes bill to make Bible the state’s official book

No word on what he plans to do about those locusts.

Netflix: Streaming service begins rolling out high-dynamic range imaging

I want this. I don’t know what the hell it is. But, I still want it.

Donald Trump’s kids didn’t register in time to vote for their dad

Look for them in baseball caps with ‘Making America Late Again.’

McDonald’s CEO gets 368% raise

Qualifying him as the real Hamburglar.

The North Pole is moving and scientists think they finally know why

Santa wants to make toys in a “right to work’ pole.

Justin Bieber using adult coloring books to help stay calm

Now he can double up on the Red Bull and cocaine.

Florida Governor Rick Scott yelled at in a Starbucks

Guessing Florida is also a ‘Can’t Stand Your Grounds’ state.

Rolling Stones, Dylan, McCartney, Neil Young in talks for mega concert

Or, as it’ll be known AARPFest.

Octopus escapes aquarium

Be careful out there, he’s well armed.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)