Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Harriet Tubman to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill

No word yet which white actress will pose for the picture.

‘Hamilton’ awarded Pulitzer for best drama

Wondering if his dueling adversary ran for office today, would his campaign slogan be ‘Feel the Burr?’

20% of Alcoholics are high functioning

Big damn deal. 100% of pot smokers are functioning high.

Ted Cruz doesn’t believe people should masturbate

Which proves, even he can’t imagine having sex with Ted Cruz.

Shakespeare’s death: Scores mark 400th anniversary

That means if Shakespeare were alive today he’d be 452 years old and in better shape than Charlie Sheen.

Same-Sex parenting has no abnormal effects on children’s health, study finds

Yup, gay parents can screw you up, just like straight ones.

Spike Lee does campaign commercial for Bernie Sanders

The tag line was: ‘it must be the shoes. The orthopedic shoes.’

Ivana Trump says it’s hard to get Americans to do jobs that foreigners will do

Like marrying Donald.

Elton John: Los Angeles police captain files sexual harassment lawsuit against singer

When ‘cop a feel’ and ‘feel a cop are the same thing.

RIP, Prince

April 21, 2016 will be remembered as the day ‘When Doves Cried.’

Wrestler, entertainer Chyna is dead at 45

Chyna, Prince. What a really lousy time to be a celebrity known by one name. Don’t do anything stupid, Cher.

Wolf Blitzer briefly thought ‘Purple Haze’ was a Prince song

Hey, the news is blurring. You can see why someone would think Prince’s big hit was ‘Purple Haze,’ which Trump saw Muslims dancing to outside a 7-Eleven…

U.S. citizens making huge salaries without a job

So, it’s just a list of members of Congress?

Sears Holdings: Company announces closure of 68 Kmart stores

Heard on loudspeakers: ‘Attention Kmart shopper…’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)