Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Donald Trump backs down from debate with Bernie Sanders

Which answers the question: so, why did the chicken cross the road? … To avoid debating Bernie Sanders.

Construction workers stumble upon ‘incredibly rare’ shipwreck in Boston

No word if they were able to recover Gilligan’s cap.

Taliban confirms death of leader, names successor Mullah Haibatullah Akhundzada

Betting his name is longer than his life expectancy…

World’s first sex theme park is about to open in Brazil

Heard one of the rides is called the ‘Matterhorny.’

Happy 78th birthday, Tommy Chong

The only thing more lit up than his birthday cake is Tommy himself.

Scientists finally know what stopped Mongol hordes from conquering Europe

My guess, hotel and restaurant prices.

Trump proposes wall to protect golf resort from rising seas due to climate change

Can’t understand why he’s so upset … he’s used to projects going under water…

President Obama in Vietnam

When asked about it, Donald Trump deferred comment.

Obama drop-in for pork soup stuns Vietnam street shop owner

Sounds like he gets FOX News and believes the President is Muslim.

14 of the last 18 Spelling Bee winners have been Indian-Americans

Not surprised, their names have been tougher to spell than any word thrown at them.

Sports Authority: Sporting goods retailer to hold going-out-of-business sales after bankruptcy filing

Damn, and, just when I started a going-out-of-exercise regime.

A GOP congressman says he used medical marijuana while in office

Finally, an answer to the question: What the hell are these people smoking?

US intelligence: Foreign hackers spying on campaigns

I guess their cable packages don’t include Comedy Central.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)