Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Johnny Manziel reportedly goes missing in New York

Well, on the upside, even kidnappers would give this guy an unconditional release.

Trump Tower Toronto to be sold off after debt default: Report

Great, now he’s even outsourcing his bankruptcies.

Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood’s wife, Sally, gives birth to twin girls

Big deal, Mick Jagger’s had twins lots of times.

U.S economy only added 38,000 jobs in May

You’d think Kevin Hart alone had more jobs than that in May.

Lawsuit alleges McDonald’s drive-thru discriminates against blind customers

While the food discriminates against people with taste buds.

Trump: ‘Look at my African-American over here’

Well, at least, he’s sounding more presidential. That is, if he were running when people could own slaves.

Microsoft is offering a free update…

And ‘word’ is it’s overpriced.

Hillary Clinton carries the Virgin Islands

Although, with Bill having spent time there, they’re going to have to change the name of the islands.

Stephen Hawking: Theoretical Physicist says he can’t understand Trump’s popularity

And, if he can’t, what chance do the rest of us have?

Nixonian palace guard now protects Hillary

Good for them, working at their age…

House Speaker Paul Ryan endorses Trump

Look for a book on it titled ‘Atlas Caved.’

‘National Enquirer’ hires Dick Morris

So they went from ‘Bigfoot’ to ‘Bigfoot in Mouth.’

Teacher had sex with her 8th grade English student almost daily

Sounds less like English, more like multiplication to me.

Happy 75th birthday, Bob Dylan

I worry about Bob. If he had a stroke, how would anyone know?

Mitch McConnell boasts, ‘There is no dysfunction in the Senate anymore’

That’s because no one is ever there…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)