Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Bernie Sanders goes to White House

Exclusive: Before leaving the White House, Bernie posed for pics with VP Joe Biden.

5 Arrested in theft of $4,700 in energy drinks

They’d have gotten away if they didn’t come back to steal some Slim Jims.

Chris Christie: Trump isn’t racist despite judge ‘kerfuffle’

Jeez, the man even uses words that sound like pastry…

Paris Hilton’s brother has been sentenced to jail

Making him the only member of his family who can still get themselves arrested.

Jake Tapper asked Donald Trump if judge attack was racist, then followed up 23 times

Look for Trump to build wall around Tapper and have Wolfe Blitzer pay for it.

RNC’s head of Hispanic relations quits for some reason

Loneliness is my guess.

President Obama, Senator Elizabeth Warren endorse Hillary Clinton

While, Ted Cruz tells Bernie Sanders this is the perfect time to pick a running mate.

Roseanne endorses Trump

Although, I, for one, am not making any decisions until we hear from Carrot Top.

Happy 76th Birthday, Tom Jones

Frankly, at this point, I don’t want to know what fans are throwing on stage.

Texas on record-setting pace for inappropriate teacher-student relationships

So, kids are safer in the bathroom than the teachers lounge.

8 Ways to look more well-rested than you actually are

Number 3, stand next to a Supreme Court Justice.

Secret Service agent alleges Hillary a nasty, mean, yeller.

Or, as he’d call a man in that situation ‘Sir.’

Zika might be transmitted through oral sex, Doctors report

So, they’re saying it’s worth the risk…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)