Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

The Latest: Trump mixes up mechanical animals in Dallas

Ok, Andy Kaufman, enough is enough, rip off the Trump mask.

Jay Leno: Former host of ‘The Tonight Show’ returns to deliver show’s opening monologue

Conan: ‘No, Jimmy, don’t let him do it, it’s a trap…’

Oprah endorses Hillary

While Steve Harvey endorses Michael Dukakis.

Young adults avoiding buying starter homes

Instead, opting for starter basements in their parent’s homes.

Texas: Giant unstable sinkholes growing, on verge of catastrophic collapse

Couldn’t happen to nicer guys than Rick Perry and Ted Cruz.

Scott Baio suggests Obama is a Muslim who wants to ‘totally eliminate the United States’

Man, Joanie is so better off without Chachi.

LinkedIn bought by Microsoft for $26.2bn in cash

LinkedIn added to its job skills ‘Highway Robbery.’

Microsoft to get into marijuana business

Hmmm, instead of buying LinkedIn, they should have bought Domino’s Pizza and Krispie Kreme.

Is O.J. Simpson Khloe Kardashian’s father? She seems to think so

Kardashians don’t have actual lives, they have season cliffhangers.

DNC hacked by Russian government intruders who stole opposition research on Trump

Seems all that was in there was a link to his Twitter feed.

Margaret Heldt, creator of the ‘Beehive’ Hairdo, Dies at 98

Well, at least, now she can no longer sit in front of me at the movies.

The President got rid of his Blackberry

Now he’ll have no way to get to his MySpace.

The world’s first sex cruise will be an 8-day orgy at sea

Bringing new meaning to the term ‘offshore drilling.’

Netanyahu spent $1,600 on hairdresser on New York trip

In NYC, for same amount, he could have had a slice of pizza and a small soda.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)