Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski ousted

Gary Busey is waiting by his giant seashell for the call.

Led Zeppelin won its plagiarism lawsuit

They also announced from now on the band will be known as ‘The Rolling Stones.’

Charles Barkley: LeBron will never be a top-5 NBA great

Barkley isn’t worried about eating his words; he’s eaten just about everything else.

What Bernie Sanders needs before he concedes

A comb. Please, let it be a comb.

Paul Ryan offered the Republicans alternative to ObamaCare

It’s called WeDontCare.

Britain snubs nose at EU

Looks like Great Britain now pronounces E.U as ‘Ewwwww.’

Happy 68th birthday, Clarence Thomas

It’s probably pointless to call out, ‘Speech, speech.’

Larry King: Why I’m voting for Hillary, despite friendship with Donald Trump

On a side note, King has supported every winning candidate since Polk.

Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston hold hands

I hear she even has a pet name for him: ‘Double Album.’

Marco Rubio is running for reelection in FL.

Seems he’s never been to Washington DC and wants to check it out.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and James Cameron film PSAs calling for “less meat, less heat”

Which also should be Arnold’s slogan when dealing with maids.

Man attacked by 300-pound alligator thought it was dead

Or, one of Shaquille O’Neal’s shoes.

China: Video appears to show corporate trainer spanking bank employees for poor performance

No word how many were spanked for good behavior.

Trump’s economic plan would be a disaster for the US Economy: Moody’s

In fact, Moody’s said if he’s elected they’ll change their name from Moody’s to ‘Totally Depressed.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)