Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today, Al Franken

Hillary considering Al Franken for VP

Well, he’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and doggone it, people like him.

Trump kids set to play central role on stage at Republican Convention

Proving when it comes to finding speakers ‘where there’s a will there’s a way.’

Mika’s hush-hush divorce fuels rumors of Scarborough romance

Looks like somebody knows how to heat up her ‘Morning Joe.’

Chipotle CMO making $4.3 million a year is indicted in huge NYC cocaine bust

It explains why those burritos are so damn addicting.

Antikythera Mechanism: Ancient Greek tool may be world’s oldest mechanical computer, researchers say

They also believe it was run with Microsoft’s operating system, after all, the screen’s been frozen for 2K+ years.

Clarence Thomas thinking of retiring

It’s always weird when someone who gets to wear a robe to work wants to retire.

‘Tour De France’ ready to roll

Watching the ‘Tour De France,’ it’s hard to tell which cyclists are on performance enhancing drugs and which ones are in the control group.

Man dies while posing for a photo at Machu Picchu

The cause of death was listed as he selfie destructed.

Benghazi committee issues 800-page report

I can’t wait for the musical version ‘A Complete Waste of Hamiltons.’

Clinton White House den of coke, mistresses: ex-Secret Service agent

If this doesn’t get people to join Secret Service, nothing will.

Christie asked if troubles in NJ will be a problem if he’s Trump’s VP pick

Christie: ‘Nah, I’ll block that bridge when I get to it.’

Huge Helium gas field found in Africa is a ‘game changer’

Seems it was discovered when someone noticed all the locals had high-pitched cartoon voices.

Woman crowned ‘Miss Hitler 2016’ at disturbing neo-Nazi pageant

Next year they should hold the event at Nuremberg.

Loretta Lynch: US AG, Bill Clinton meet privately at Phoenix airport

Bill said afterward ‘I didn’t have conversations with that woman…’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)