Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

A sex-themed amusement park is coming to Brazil

I hear it’ll be known as ‘The Herpesest Place on Earth.’

FBI recommends no charges in Hillary email case

Although, they did recommend to Hillary that she should answer that email from her Nigerian uncle’s attorney and collect her inheritance.

Spice Girls to tour 20th anniversary celebration

I can’t be the only one thinking the tour should be sponsored by Old Spice.

Kevin Durant to Warriors in 2 year 54 million dollar deal

That should just about cover a security deposit for a Bay Area studio apartment.

Fox News host Gretchen Carlson sues Roger Ailes for sexual harassment

Who can I sue for putting the words sexual and Roger Ailes in the same sentence?

Top Republicans to skip GOP convention

With all the Republicans opting out of the Republican convention, GOP now stands for ‘Got Other Plans.’

Microsoft to get into marijuana business

Instead of buying LinkedIn, a better synergy would be buying Domino’s Pizza and Krispy Kreme.

Brain-eating amoeba found at North Carolina waterpark

Too bad it’s not in Washington DC because then it would die of starvation.

Marco Rubio plans to not attend the Republican National Convention

No word if it’s because there’s a height requirement.

Happy 70th birthday George W Bush and Sylvester Stallone

Both claims to fame could be described as ‘Rocky.’

Ben Carson to speak at GOP convention

His speech will come with a warning not to use heavy machinery after hearing it.

Joey Chestnut downs record 70 hot dogs in eating contest

And, amazingly, saved some room for dessert.

Trump cites Disney’s ‘Frozen’ to defend ‘Anti-Semitic’ tweet

First, ‘Pocahontas,’ now ‘Frozen,’ for Trump ‘It’s a Small Minded World After All.’

Gays lacing fireworks with homosexual chemtrails?

This probably explains the uptick in antiquing.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)