Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Chris Christie’s tour of Donald Trump-related indignities ends with VP snub

Warning: Be careful out there. Chris Christie is pissed and he’s out for revenge.

North Korea just cut its last diplomatic channel to the U.S

What are you gonna do with all that free time, Dennis Rodman?

Feds rip Lance Armstrong in latest fraud case briefing

My god, can you believe the ball on that guy…?

Bernie endorses Hillary

And, with his campaign officially over, Bernie Sanders action figures are now on sale. They’re so realistic they get up in the middle of the night to go pee.

Rudy Giuliani says Obama doesn’t like America

And, after multiple failed presidential runs America apparently doesn’t like Rudy.

Black Lives Matter rallies held throughout SoCal, bring 405 Freeway to a standstill

It seems they’ve been rallying every weekday since 1979.

RIP BlackBerry Classic: Company will stop making iconic smartphone

Now how are those people going to get to their MySpace?

18 Republican Senators skipping GOP convention

I’m not saying Republicans are having trouble getting people to attend their convention, but even Pokemon Go refuses to show up there.

FOX News has Mark Fuhrman on to discuss race relations

Next up, tax tips with Wesley Snipes.

At 72, Mick Jagger is expecting baby number 8

Seems Mick is getting plenty of ‘Satisfaction,’ what he’s not getting is condoms.

GOP passes ‘Most Anti-LGBT Platform’ ever, Log Cabin Republicans shocked

No word, if that ‘shock’ was with a taser or electric prod during conversion therapy.

Inside the stunning face-off between Donald Trump and Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Ruth Bader Ginsburg vs. Donald Trump is Notorious RBG vs. Notorious PIG.

White nationalist group says it will be at Republican convention

Well, it would be weird if FOX News didn’t show up.

Katy Perry weighs in on the Taylor Swift-Calvin Harris drama

I’m not taking a side until we hear from Scott Baio.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)