Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today

Hillary Clinton becomes first woman from a major party nominated for president

That makes two major firsts this year: The first woman to lead a major ticket going against the first orange person to do so.

Comic Con features speed dating booth

That way people who never get laid can find out who they won’t be having sex with even quicker.

As Democrats’ convention nears, hacked DNC emails posted online

Hillary must be really pissed at whoever invented email. That’s right I’m talking to you, Al Gore.

George Will: Trump is hiding bribes from Russian oligarchs in his tax returns

Trump’s response was ‘Nyet… Oh crap, I meant no.’

Paul Simon performed “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” at Democratic National Convention.

Some at convention said, ‘I didn’t know Bernie could sing that well.’

Dr. Dre reportedly handcuffed in front of his Malibu home after road rage dispute

Looks like someone didn’t forget about Dre.

President Obama brings down the house with DNC speech

Nice job by the President. Although it would have been a fun time to go, ‘And, I really was born in Kenya…’

Trump Jr. says Obama plagiarized his quote, turns out not before he borrowed it from Obama

If it weren’t for the Obamas the Trumps would be mimes.

Nintendo stock tanks as Pokemon Go investors realize company doesn’t own game

Bringing new meaning to ‘don’t hate the player, hate the game’

Donald Trump strikes back at “Little” Michael Bloomberg

It’s like he’s nickname cheating on Little Marco Rubio.

‘Heat dome’ over United States shows no signs of lifting soon

It’s so hot people are hanging around Debbie Wasserman Schultz to take advantage of the icy stares.

TV Psychic Miss Cleo dead at 53

Calling her will now cost double.

Bill Clinton hits campaign trail after DNC in Philadelphia

Which means, the crack in the Liberty Bell is no longer nervous.

Donald Trump says after DNC ‘now he’s taking the gloves off’

Really nothing to be afraid of, they’re little tiny gloves.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)