Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Antonio Sabato Jr. says Hollywood is blacklisting him for supporting Donald Trump

Hollywood: ‘Who?’

Trump spokeswoman blames Obama for Khan’s Death – 4 years before he became President

That’s nuts, everyone knows Obama was too busy planning Hurricane Katrina.

Airline encourages customers to join the ‘mile high club’

Guessing the airline was ‘No Longer A Virgin Airways.’

Ben Carson explains how he draws a line from Hillary Clinton to, yes, Lucifer

Well, there are those pics of her at Trump’s wedding.

Woman claims she was sexually assaulted by toy at Hibachi restaurant

Seems it was a ‘Tickled You Elmo’ doll.

Donald Trump had a crying baby removed from a rally

See, that’s what happens when you don’t feed Chris Christie.

NY Post publishes naked pics of Melania Trump

I was so disgusted I almost didn’t look.

Time for Sharknado 4

I hear Trump roots for the shark because it’s a Great White.

Jimmy Walker wins PGA Championship

That’s Dyn-o-mite.

Sean Hannity upset at being called ‘FOX’s dumbest anchor’

C’mon, Sean, be proud. The competition’s pretty stiff over there at FOX.

Washington Post fact checker gives Hillary Clinton ‘four Pinocchios’ for claiming FBI director said her email answers were ‘Truthful’

Hillary, Hillary, Hillary, liar, liar pantsuit on fire.

Maureen McCormick aka Marcia Brady turned 60

Now when people say to her “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia,” it’s because she’s a little hard of hearing.

Rio officials lose keys to Olympic Stadium

Good thing someone left a pair under the Stadium welcome mat.

Edward Snowden sparks curiosity with cryptic tweet – ‘It’s time’

We’ll know soon enough, it’s not like this guy can keep a secret.

Lindsay Lohan & fiancé’s violent fight caught on camera

Police let her go, let’s face it, at this point, she can’t get herself arrested.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)