Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Ryan Lochte story of getting robbed in Rio made up

Jeez, you just know Michael Phelps would have made up a better story… and faster.

Paul Manafort resigns as head Of Trump campaign

Not surprisingly Trump dumped him for a younger campaign manager.

Playboy Mansion sells for $100 million

It’s an amazing property complete with dozens of trimmed bushes.

Fox News reporter says Hillary and Obama are baiting Trump to say ‘stupid sh*t’

While Michelle’s been baiting Melania to repeat her stuff.

FDA approves OxyContin for children 11 and over

Look for them to come in Pebbles, Fred, Betty, Bam-Bam, and Wilma Flintstones’ shapes.

Kim Kardashian spotted in Mexico

Build the wall now, Donald. Build the wall now.

Pornhub has been hacked, and you won’t believe what they found

Donald Trump’s tax returns, where he’s screwing the IRS.

Happy 73rd birthday, Robert DiNiro

Yes, I’m talking to you. You see anyone else around here who just turned 73?

Republican John Negroponte endorses Hillary

Or, as he’s known by the politically correct, John African-Americanponte.

Bill Clinton turns 70

Making 70 the new 69.

6 Notre Dame football players arrested overnight Friday on various charges

Who do they think they are? Olympic swimmers?

Clinton or Trump? Which candidate does the marijuana industry favor?

I guess they need someone to tell them because they keep forgetting the answer.

Roger Ailes will be advising Trump before the presidential debates

I guess they couldn’t get Bill Cosby.

Happy 50th anniversary, Beatle’s ‘Revolver’

Remember the only thing that can stop a good ‘Revolver’ tribute is a bad ‘Revolver’ tribute.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)