Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump doctor wrote health letter in just 5 minutes as limo waited

Yeah, yeah, but I can’t be the only who thinks Trump’s doctor also is the guy who created ‘Game of Thrones.’

Lawmakers call Maine governor unhinged after obscene tirade

He’s a Maniac. A Maniac…

Usain Bolt brought up to 10 women back to his London hotel room

Seems he’s taken up a new event — The Broad to Broad to Broad Jump.

Obama’s popularity has now hit the highest of any modern president

Who says Trump and Hillary can’t accomplish anything together?

A decade has passed since Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian ignored Tara Reid outside Hyde Lounge

And, kids don’t get the day off from school? WTF?

Ryan Lochte joining cast of ‘Dancing with the Stars’

He’s gotta chance, if the show doesn’t also include Michael Phelps.

Limbaugh warns Obama wants federally paid lesbian farmers to invade your town

Sounds like the President wants to turn those red states plaid.

US urges Americans to leave Gaza ‘as soon as possible’

And, if you act now you can get a free voucher to Syria.

Scientists suggest aliens are harnessing energy from this star

And, I thought the reason Brad Pitt looked tired was because of all those kids….

The truth about the Clinton Foundation: It’s one of the top-rated charities in the US

I blame Obama. Oh wait…

Donald Trump unveils more detailed economic policy plan, interrupted by protesters

The real question: Who let in Kasich and Cruz?

Hawaii resident wins $10.7M jackpot at Wynn Las Vegas

Or, as Republicans are saying ‘Damn, Kenyans.’

Kobe Bryant launches $100 million Venture Capital Fund

Kobe, remember, in this job, sometimes you have to pass…

Michele Bachmann: I’ve been advising Donald Trump on foreign policy

Except Israel, for that he’s getting advice from Mel Gibson.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)