Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Headlines Today, Amish

73 arrested after police raid Amish party in Ohio field

Seems they were partying like it was 1699.

Hillary apologizes for calling 1/2 of Trump’s supporters a ‘Basket of Deplorables’

We await an apology from Trump for making the basket in China.

Is Roger Ailes going to war with New York Magazine?

It would be way more likely for him to harass Working Woman Magazine.

Libertarian Presidential Candidate Gary Johnson asked, ‘What is Aleppo?’

Unfortunately, it was to Joe Scarborough and not Alex Trebek.

Minnesota Democrats sue to get Trump off state ballot

Look for Trump to propose building a wall around Minnesota and have Al Franken pay for it.

Park Rangers in Santa Monica Mountains ask hikers to be aware of tarantula mating season

And, maybe, play some Barry White on their iPods.

Bags of cocaine worth $56 million are found at Coca-Cola factory in France

That’s why each can comes with a straw.

Trump camp says Larry King tricked them into appearing on Russian state own RT news network

So, in other words, he now thinks King was Putin him on.

How exactly did lightning kill 323 reindeer in Norway?

I’m more interested in who brought the 200 gallons of A 1 sauce.

Former models for Trump’s modeling agency say they violated immigration rules, worked illegally

Melania: Shut up, at least you didn’t have to marry him.

Geraldo Rivera ‘filled with regret” for defending Roger Ailes

Some people find his statement of regret as empty as Al Capone’s vault.

Matt Lauer gets grief for his performance on NBC’s Presidential Forum

The next time they do ‘Where in the World is Matt Lauer’ nobody is going to go look for him.

Gretchen Carlson gets 20 million dollar sexual harassment settlement

So, FOX got what Ailes asked for, she screwed them but good.

Taylor Swift, Tom Hiddleston have broken up after months of annoying everybody

Now on to annoying everyone all over again with a Taylor Swift single about the breakup.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)