Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today

Heavily bearded David Letterman returns to TV pushing solar energy

Apparently, that includes Rudolph’s nose.

New season of ‘American Horror Story’ premiers

Really? I thought election season already started the day after Labor Day.

What Clinton and Trump might look like in 8 years

Uh, I’m guessing Bernie Sanders.

Bill Murray bartends at son Homer’s Brooklyn restaurant

And, will do the exact same thing tomorrow and the day after, and the day after that…

Obama administration wants to welcome even more refugees next year

So, even without Trump winning, Melania could stay in country.

Happy 88th birthday, Adam West

For those wondering, no relation to Kanye.

After Hillary diagnosis, No. 3 Senate Democrat Schumer discloses pneumonia diagnosis

What a suck up!

Kim Kardashian went totally nude again and skipped the black bars

Weird, because black bars sounds like where Kardashians go to meet guys.

Teacher who paid off $40,000 of student loans in 1.5 years shares first step to take

Step 1: Buy ski mask…

Rick Perry ‘Cha Chas’ to last place in dancing debut

He was going to debate the results but as we found out in 2012, he’s even worse at debating.

It’s official: Libertarian Presidential candidate Gary Johnson didn’t qualify for debate stage

He did get some good news. He has glaucoma and qualifies for medical marijuana.

Colin Powell calls Trump a ‘national disgrace’ in personal emails

That’s what’s known as a black on orange crime.

Newsweek suggests Trump institutionalized for 1990 nervous breakdown

Just great, with Hillary’s pneumonia, let’s make 1st debate a telethon.

Raspberry Pi hits 10 million sales mark

The actual amount of sales was 10 million and 3.14159265359…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)