Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Angelina Jolie to divorce Brad Pitt

Being bisexual now means you still don’t have a shot with either Brad and/or Angelina.

Rome’s exorcist, Father Gabriel Amorth, dies at age 91

Terrible news for those who believe possession is 9/10ths of the law.

Anthony Weiner’s latest sexting scandal

Somebody needs to tell Anthony Weiner the term ‘what a dick’ is not a compliment.

Calmest fan ever makes baby-saving catch with zero celebration

Although spiking the baby would have brought new meaning to ‘bouncing baby boy.’

Ted Cruz reverses course and endorses Donald Trump

No word if he’ll also turn his dad in for the assassination of JFK.

CDC releases cat-scratch disease study

Turns out it’s about actual cats and not the even more serious harm done by listening to Ted Nugent.

Donald Trump wants to bring back ‘Stop and Frisk’

But enough about his relationship with Ivanka.

‘Masters of Sex’ about Masters and Johnson starts 4th season

By now it should be called ‘Masters of One’s Johnson.’

Happy 67th birthday, Bruce Springsteen

The Boss is getting close to singing ‘Born to run to the bathroom 4 times a night.’

Libertarian Presidential Candidate Gary Johnson: Forget about climate change, sun will someday encompass Earth

At least, we don’t have to wonder what he’s smoking.

‘Locked the black b*tch out’: North Dakota students’ racist Snapchat exposes dorm harassment

Amazing, there was a black person in North Dakota.

Reports of creepy clowns spread to more cities

Well, with an election on the way candidates are on the road more.

Donald Trump Jr. compares Syrian refugees to Skittles that ‘would kill you’

Hey, Jr., maybe we should build a wall around all Skittles and have M&M pay for it.

Rapper ‘The Game’ claims he’s slept with 3 Kardashians in new song

With the next one he gets a free soda and a bag of chips.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)