Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Giuliani says if he were Trump he would skip the rest of the debates

And take Rudy to dinner and a movie instead. Wink. Wink.

McConnell: Obama failed to communicate ‘potential consequences’ of 9/11 bill

The veto thing was too subtle, Mitch?

Clinton’s paid $1.6 million to buy house next to theirs in Chappaqua, N.Y.

That’s gonna house one big email server.

Brad Pitt willing to take lie detector to prove he didn’t cheat on Angelina Jolie

And, that he remembers all the kids’ names.

‘Lion King’ live-action flick in works from Disney

In this version Scar wants to build wall around the meerkats and make warthogs pay for it.

Trump unleashes early-morning Twitter tirade against ‘disgusting’ Machado

What does he have against the ‘Karate Kid?’ Wait, Machado. Not Macchio. Never mind.

Melissa Joan Hart endorsed Gary Johnson

Look for her new show, ‘Sabrina Teenage Rastafarian.’

Trump: My mic was ‘defective’

You mean you said even more stupid shit and we didn’t hear it?

Wonder Woman comes out as queer

Wouldn’t her being hetero have been news?

There’s a charge Lester Holt gave hand signals to Hillary during debate

Ailes thought they were for him and went to 2^nd base on the woman next to him.

Are we ready for a gay president? Well, we may have already had one

Yup, seems James Buchanan wanted to turn the White House into a B & B. ‘Nuff said.

FDA announces new oral treatment for Type 2 Diabetes

Yeah, you don’t orally ingest pizza, donuts, pie, etc.

Pepe the Frog designated hate symbol by Anti-Defamation League.

Turns out Pepe the Frog’s the racist uncle who does Thanksgiving at Kermit’s house.

Melbourne crime boss accidentally shot himself in the testicle

Ironically, showing his patriotism by shooting himself ‘down under.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)