Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump: I grab them by the p—y

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes, I’m the p—y he grabbed.

Kim Kardashian blames herself for the robbery in Paris

While, Kanye blames Taylor Swift.

Paranoid people in Silicon Valley have 3 popular theories about how the world will end

Number one: God hitting control/alt/delete.

Trump claims credit for Pence’s debate performance

Mike Pence: Who? Never heard of him.

Happy 61st birthday, Yo Yo Ma

Think how different your life would be if your name was Yo Ma Ma.

Libertarian VP Candidate Weld gives up, will focus on preventing Trump presidency

While Gary Johnson had to be reminded who Weld is.

Obama approval hits new high

Donald, finally something for you to take actual credit for.

Poll: Young adults support new efforts to curb gun violence

Seems like they like the idea of living to become old adults.

Feuding Fox News stars Megyn Kelly and Sean Hannity bury the hatchet

Please, please, let it be in Bill O’Reilly.

Hillary’s ‘Steve Harvey’ interview was scripted by her campaign

The really amazing thing is Harvey didn’t keep calling her Michelle Obama…

FEMA unofficially uses ‘Waffle House Index’ to gauge disasters

Which explains why Waffle House is the official sponsor of San Diego Chargers.

Sex toy business booms in Valley

Bringing with it a ‘vibrant economy.’

Canadian authorities seized a shipment of the drug Carfentanil – which can be ‘100 times more powerful than Fentanyl’

And, just as hard to pronounce.

After school Satan clubs may be coming to elementary schools across country

Look for the TV show version ‘Saved by the Beelzebub.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)