Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today

The Cubs are going to the World Series for the first time since 1945

And, in related news, check out the above pic…

Ivanka Trump: I’m not planning to join dad’s administration

The way things are going, neither is Mike Pence.

Madonna says she’d give Hillary voters oral sex

Makes sense, last time she made that offer it helped Truman defeat Dewey.

The future of Hinduism in America’s changing religious landscape

All one can say is ‘Holy Cow.’

Melania blames Bush for Donald’s behavior

Sometimes they write themselves.

Troopers: Man on LSD saves dog from imaginary fire

LSD that’s the good cholesterol, right? Oh wait…

Ronda Rousey wants to beat the sh*t out of Justin Bieber after what he did to her sister

Yeah, like anyone needs a reason.

Shepard Smith answers question on Roger Ailes by coming out

Up next, Shaq comes out as tall.

Bridgegate Upsdate: Chris Christie digging own grave

So, this could take awhile.

Clinton’s Brooklyn campaign HQ evacuated, suspicious substance discovered in letter

While nothing of substance has ever been found at Trump’s HQ.

Meet the Trumpettes, high society women standing by Trump

But, for obvious reasons not within arms reach.

Scientists accidentally discover efficient process to turn CO2 into ethanol

And, with ice, Jack Daniels on the rocks.

John McCain is right: Senate Republicans could block a Clinton Supreme Court nominee indefinitely

So, while he waits, Barack will have extra time for golf.

Trump’s Mormon problem: ‘That’s not how we roll in Utah’

Trump: ‘Let me tell, you. Not a smart religion. Tabernacle Choir. Overrated.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)