Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today Ivanka

Ivanka Trump’s Chinese-made scarves recalled because they’re incredibly flammable

So, even a Trump’s scarves can inflame a situation.

New emails in Clinton case came from Anthony Weiner’s electronic devices

Also, FBI reopens Kennedy Assassination after Hillary emails found on Ted Cruz’s dad’s cellphone.

Earth’s most powerful alien-hunting telescope turns its gaze to mysterious star

You might want to shut the shades, Johnny Depp.

Man pistol-whips scary clown prankster in California

Luckily, the clown was able to get away in a car with 40 other clowns.

Hillary Clinton calls for more information from FBI on email probe: ‘Your guess is as good as mine’

At this point Hillary must want to kill the person who invented emails. That’s right, I’m talking to you, Al Gore.

Justin Bieber storms off stage

Really disappointing everyone when he returned.

Angelina Jolie had to endure a 4-hour interview with the FBI

Most of the time was spent with her listing the names of her kids.

Shaq is now a Krispy Kreme spokesman because he absolutely loves doughnuts

Although, it does feel like he’s cheating on Dunkin Donuts.

Oops! Trump mistook a black supporter at his rally for a protester and called him a ‘thug’

Well, Ben Carson is a little scary.

Happy 69th Birthday, Hillary Clinton

Don’t forget to send the Republican Party a thank you for the gift of nominating Trump.

Kendall Jenner doesn’t understand why so many ballerinas are mad at her

In fairness, there’s lots of stuff Kendall doesn’t understand.

Celebs show off their pumpkin-carving skills

While Hillary showed off hers during the debates.

“Shark Tank” star: Trump rated my breasts during a business meeting

I do have to admit, that’s a nice rack on Mark Cuban.

Mike Pence plane skids off runway

See, that’s what happens when you only use a right wing.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)