Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

The Cubs win! The Cubs win!

Although the U.S Senate says it won’t accept the result until there’s a new President…

Judge declares Trump Toronto International Hotel bankrupt

So, he’s not just screwing up in his own country, but also Ted Cruz’s.

Texas commissioner deletes Tweet calling Clinton the ‘C’ word

Imagine how upset he’ll be with these C words ‘Commander’ and ‘Chief.’

KKK’s official newspaper endorses Trump for President

Be careful of getting burnt doing the burning crossword.

The FBI is about to sift through 650,000 emails it found on Anthony Weiner’s laptop

Here’s betting they get hard evidence on Weiner.

Sources: Retired General set to replace Colangelo as USA Basketball chairman

Surprised, given how the Globetrotters always beat the Generals.

Where does Jeff Bezos foresee putting space colonists?

Wherever it is, the bubble wrap will make it extra comfy.

Melania Trump vows to take on cyberbullying as First Lady

While Mrs. Chris Christie will be giving diet tips.

Kanye West ends concert early after losing his voice

Lord, now that you’ve answered that prayer, how about that Tesla?

The George W. Bush White House ‘lost’ 22 million emails

They used a WMD – a weapon of mass deletion.

Happy 130th Birthday, Statue of Liberty

Don’t worry, Trump’s not going to get the chance to trade you in for a younger statue.

US adds 161,000 jobs

160,999 if you count Kellyanne Conway on November 9^th.

Hershey fills student’s car with candy after thief steals Kit Kat bar

Yo, Rolex, my Rolex was stolen from my car… now man up.

Donald Trump tells veterans he’s ‘financially brave’

It’ll be in his autobiography, the one that repeats Chapter 11 six times.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)