Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Gay Mike Pence doppelgänger is collecting money for LGBTQ causes

Are we sure we’ve seen them at same place at same time?

People are upset about a black Santa in a mall in Minnesota

I’m shocked there’s a black person in Minnesota.

Priebus: ‘RNC was not hacked’

Translation: Putin has his own password.

Happy 100th Birthday, Kirk Douglas

That’s so long ago that when he made ‘Spartacus’ it was a contemporary film.

Trump: No Cabinet post for Rudy Giuliani

Don’t worry, Rudy. There are plenty of job openings at Goldman Sachs.

Khloé Kardashian’s ‘Good American Jeans’ are the biggest denim launch in apparel history

It’s no surprise that people find it easy to get into her pants.

Trump named Time ‘Person of the Year’

Even though Hillary got more votes.

Starbucks sets five-year growth targets, to open 12,000 more stores

Even quicker if they offer the construction works unlimited Grande Lattes during construction.

The CIA concluded Russia worked to elect Trump

Proving Trump even outsources his dirty tricks.

Happy 55th birthday, Anne Coulter

Instead of ‘Happy Birthday’ will someone please play ‘Still Crazy after All These Years?’

Kasich to electors: Don’t vote for me

So, he wants them to treat him just like primary voters did…

Alec Baldwin and Donald Trump have Twitter fight

Someone needs to report it as a Twit on Twit crime.

Joe Biden says he may run for President in 2020 because ‘What the hell’

In fairness, it may be for Prez of Del Webb condo association.

Al Gore: I just had an ‘extremely interesting conversation’ about climate change with Donald Trump

No word if Ivanka sold him any jewelry.

Ben Carson named Secretary of HUD

Or, as it’s now known HUH?

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)