Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump picks his bankruptcy lawyer as Ambassador to Israeli

Look for him to pick the woman who waxes Melania to be Ambassador to Brazil.

Henry Heimlich, creator of the life saving maneuver for choking victims, passes away at 96

Unfortunately, now, no one can help the L.A Rams.

Chilean lawmaker’s inflatable sex doll gift sparks outrage

While some just think the whole matter was blown out of proportion.

Donald Trump spells ‘unprecedented as ‘unpresidented’ in Tweet

It shows he was not only the owner, but, also, the spelling champ of Trump University.

The truth about Kanye West’s spiral: ‘Things haven’t been right since Halloween’ says source

Although, no year was given.

Nestle’s failed to trademark it’s iconic four finger Kit Kat in Europe

So, Europe is now giving them the one remaining finger.

Execs representing a whopping $3 trillion walked into Trump Tower

No word if it took Microsoft’s CEO three tries to find the meeting before getting it right.

Donald Trump’s proposed Cabinet is very white, and very male

In fact, it’s so white, they’re already the favorites for this year’s Oscars.

Facebook will start telling you when a story may be fake

Unless this is a fake story, then, never mind.

‘Flip or Flop’ stars Tarek and Christina El Moussa confirm they’ve ‘dated other people’ since gun incident

Good for them, no Glock blocking here…

Exxon/Mobil’s Rex Tillerson to be Secretary of State

So, now it looks like the only one in the Trump Cabinet who isn’t an actual billionaire is Trump.

90 year-old Don Rickles at Kirk Douglas’s 100th birthday party

He probably had to sit at the kids’ table.

Report: Chris Christie turned down multiple Cabinet job offers from Trump

Guessing he did accept anything offered from the pantry.

RIP: Zsa Zsa Gabor (1917-2016)

For those who didn’t know, Zsa Zsa is Hungarian for Paris Hilton.

Trump supporters are boycotting the new ‘Star Wars’ movie

Word is they’re waiting for it to come out in Russian.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)