Periodic Table of Schmucks

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By Roz Warren

Bd “Brooding Dude”
“You’re the only one who can truly understand me. Don’t enjoy the party! Spend all evening trying to coax me out of my shell.”

Ia “I Argue”
“You don’t agree that a good, fierce no-holds-barred argument enhances any conversation? You’re wrong! Will you agree with me if I shout at you, call you a moron and pound on the table?”

Wch “World Class Hypochondriac”
“Never mind your mom’s recently-diagnosed brain tumor. Look at this mole on my stomach. It’s so ugly, it’s got to be cancer! I’m doomed!”

Rd “Rude Driver”
“Speed limits are for chumps. Courteous driving is for suckers. Leaning on the horn is my favorite form of communication. Get the hell out of my way, asshole!”

Twt “Texts While Talking”
“Hold that thought! This incoming tweet is REALLY important.”

Foe “Full of Excuses”
“I know I have a fine for returning The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People to the library two months late. But the dog peed on the carpet, the dry cleaners overcharged me for removing the stain and then the bank bounced my check! So I’m strapped for cash. Maybe I’ll pay it next time.”

Mb “Mama’s Boy”
“The kids were driving you crazy today? It’s funny how my mother had five boys and yet managed to run a business, keep a perfectly clean house, never raise her voice, always dress stylishly — and cook a delicious dinner for her family every night.”

Lb “Lying Bastard”
“Sure, I was out all night and didn’t call. I had to get that business plan done and my cell phone battery was out. There’s a red lace bra hanging out of my briefcase? I bet those crazy guys from the tech department stuck it in there for a joke.”

Ti “Totally Incompetent”
“I know it’s Halloween — but you never told me you needed the candy tonight.”

Hccd “Hates children, cats and dogs”
“Take care of me. Everyone else can go to hell.”

Tj “Total Jerk”
“Wow, when you wear that Steelers shirt if reminds me of my old girlfriend. She looked really hot in a football jersey.”

Atw “Allergic to Work”
“I’m too busy conquering the 847th level of this video game to hunt for a job. And you make enough to support us both, honeybunch.”

Ckaj “Can’t keep a job”
“I had to quit. The boss was an idiot. And you make enough to support us both, honeybunch.”

Hcb “Hyper-critical Bastard”
“That dress makes your butt look fat. No, you didn’t ask me. But I thought you should know.”

Hdb “Hyper-demanding Bastard”
“All I want is a beautiful woman who’ll dote on my every word, laugh at my jokes, excel at a glamorous career, give birth to my kids and take sole responsibility for raising them, rise at dawn to prepare my breakfast, pick up my dirty clothes without complaining and cook gourmet meals for 40 people at the drop of a hat. Is that so much to ask?”

Isf “Insane Sports Fan”
“If you go into labor during the Super Bowl, you’re going to have to get to the hospital yourself. And we’re naming the baby Peyton. Even if it’s a girl.”

Sd “Stinky Dude”
“Showering and shaving are for sissies. Women love my smell. I’m a natural man.”

Ba “Brilliant Artist”
“Don’t you realize my work is epic? It’s far too important for me to do the dishes, remember your birthday or actually listen to anything you have to say. Unless what you have to say is that my work is epic.”

Si “Selfish Idiot”
“Sorry you had a bad day. I know what will make you feel better — give me a foot rub and then we’ll go out to my favorite restaurant!”

Mj “Macho Jerk”
“Women are inferior. It’s scientifically proven. And God wants it that way too. Hey — where are you going? Come back here and listen to me when I’m putting you down!“

Pc “Presidential Candidate” (or N “Newt”)
“Doctor, you’re sure my wife has a life-threatening illness? That’s terrible!” “Honey — I want a divorce.”

Roz Warren
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