Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Megyn Kelly leaves Fox News for NBC

I’m shocked, there’s still an NBC?

Hillary to attend Trump Inauguration

That really shouldn’t be a surprise; the person with the most votes usually is at the Inauguration.

Contractors file liens against Trump D.C. Hotel, claiming they were stiffed out of $5M

Don’t worry, the bill has been forwarded to Mexico.

Mariah Carey speaks out on New Year’s Eve lip sync mishap: I was ‘mortified’

She actually said ‘I was ‘mortif’ and forgot the rest of the sentence.

Jill Dillard of the Duggar family pregnant again

For God‘s sake someone call Florsheims, these people are going to need a bigger shoe.

Americans eat 554 million tacos a year: WSJ

6 if you exclude the ones Chris Christie eats.

Trump’s Press Secretary begs American people to stop mocking Trump

Like everything else Trump, he wants to outsource the mocking to China and Mexico.

Sears Roebuck to close 100s of stores

It will now be known as Sears Nobucks.

4 reasons people love working at Southwest, which has never laid off a single employee

Reason number 1: All the tiny bags of peanuts and pretzels you can eat.

Angelina Jolie rips Brad Pitt in new filing: He’s ‘terrified the public will learn the truth’

Jennifer Anniston: Bwahahahaha!

Trump blasts GM: Make Chevy Cruze model in US or ‘pay big border tax’

I miss the old days when he blasted Canada for making the Teddy Cruz.

U.S. shifts money away from Philippines police drug efforts

Soon look for money to go to overly ornate lobbies and building facades.

KKK members claim they were paid to fabricate scenes for A&E show

Bringing new meaning to the term ‘hoodwinked.’

U.S added 157,000 jobs in December

Although most of those were at Goldman Sachs where everyone left to join Trump Administration.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)