Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today

Kellyanne Conway says she ‘didn’t see the point’ of the Women’s March

And, all the traffic interfered with her getting to work at ‘Hotdog on a Stick.’

George Will: Trump delivered ‘The most dreadful inaugural address in history’

In fairness, George, the speech was much better in the original Russian.

Kourtney Kardashian steps out with Justin Bieber

Anyone still against free birth control?

Happy 95th Birthday, Betty White

Way to go, girl. 2016 can kiss your ass.

‘El Chapo’ Guzman turned over to US

So, looks like Trump found his new Head of DEA.

Obama’s approval rating hits 60%

Who says Trump has yet to accomplish anything?

Donald Trump mistakenly tweets to the wrong Ivanka

Even the wrong Ivanka gets more attention than Tiffany Trump.

A&E boss says Scientology is harassing her over Leah Remini’s TV show

Sorta fair after A&E harassed the rest of us with Duck Dynasty.

Spicer earns ‘Four Pinocchios’ for false claims on inauguration crowd size

In fairness, all those women on Saturday were there for Trump, so you have to add the two crowds together. Record Turnout!

Kanye West not invited to perform because inauguration will be ‘typically and traditionally American’

Instead, in keeping with American tradition, a cop will pull him over for no reason.

Chelsea Manning to be freed by President Barack Obama

Not to be confused with Eli Manning for whom this season Giant fans had little forgiveness.

Pro-Weed group in D.C. gives away more than 8,000 joints on Inauguration Day

Now we’re talking ‘grass’ roots!

Happy 46th birthday, Kid Rock

At that age, you might want to change your name to ‘Middle Aged Elevator Music.’

Secretary of Education nominee Betsy DeVos favors guns in school because of bears

‪And, I thought the only way to stop a bad bear with a gun was with a good bear with a gun.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)