Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Super Bowl 2017: Tom Brady leads epic comeback, Patriots stun Falcons in OT

Look for Falcons to hire new coach to avoid same problems and introduce Dr. Heimlich.

U.S.-Australia rift is possible after Trump ends call with Aussie Prime Minister

The good news is maybe it’ll get Mel Gibson deported.

Chairman Joint Chiefs removed from NSC, replaced by Steve Bannon

Related, Superman removed from Justice League replaced by Lex Luthor.

Beyonce pregnant with twins: ‘We have been blessed two times over’

With the loss of sleep in the future, Jay Z will be Jay Zzzzzzzz.

Trump to defer to Mattis on waterboarding, torture

So, we’re at a place where the most humane person in the new administration is named Mad Dog.

92% of people say they use Google to check on word spelling

The other 8% use ‘Goggle.’

Taxpayers pay $100,000 for Eric Trump to go to Uruguay, promote a luxury tower

Unfortunately, a one-way flight was too expensive.

Britney Spears suffers MAJOR wardrobe malfunction during Vegas show

What? Some clothes shifted and left her more covered up?

The US added 227,000 new jobs

Not so fast, Secretary of Education nominee Betsy DeVos.

Trump wants to renegotiate NAFTA — Here’s what you need to know

Alternative guacamole recipes that don’t include avocados.

According NASA and NOAA last year was warmest on record, Climate experts say: WSJ

Apparently, science is a hoax started by China.

Russian spy Oleg Erovinkin linked to Donald Trump’s ‘dirty dossier’ found dead in Moscow

He died of Russian ‘natural causes’… wink, wink.

Angelina Jolie speaks out against travel plan

She has a point. The government is trying to interfere with her ability to have children.

Trump accuses Democrats and Republicans of plotting against him

See? He is bringing the country together.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)