Ripping the Headlines Today - by Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Ivanka Trump looks smitten with Canadian PM Justin Trudeau

Sure looks like someone’s fantasizing about screaming out ‘Ooooooh, Canada…’

It’s not a whopper: Burger King Israel to sell adult-only meal with sex toy for Valentine’s Day

Wondering if the toy is a ‘Tickle Me Schlomo.’

Trump asks African-American reporter to arrange meeting with Congressional Black Caucus

And the Harlem Globetrotters…

It’s Valentine’s Day!

Gotta wonder where Kanye’s taking himself.

Scarlett Johansson doesn’t think monogamy is natural

And, that still doesn’t mean any of us have a shot.

KellyAnne Conway struggles to explain why she said Flynn had Trump’s full confidence hours before he resigned

And, why she has no reflection in mirror.

Mom furious after daycare worker breastfed her son

Coulda been worse; coulda been her husband.

Ashton Kutcher gives emotional testimony at hearing to end modern slavery

So, he’s finally talking about how he got of marriage with Demi.

Happy 59th birthday, Ice T

He’s getting near an age where he might need to change his name to Low T.

Director of the Secret Service says he’s leaving the agency

Well, someone hasn’t mastered the secret part of Secret Service.

Tiffany Trump shunned by magazine editors at New York Fashion Week

So, she thought they were just treating her the same as family.

Office Govt. Ethics says KellyAnne Conway violated rules, “disciplinary action” warranted

But, it’s not punishment if said person likes being disciplined…

Pre-clearance bill would give U.S. border agents power to search and detain Canadians on Canadian soil

Why? Bieber already made it in.

Mark Cuban has a guess as to why Trump whacked him out of nowhere

Uh, someone told him he needed to define his Cuban policy.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)