Ripping the Headlines Today - by Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Burger King owner to buy Popeye’s Fried Chicken for $1.8B

In a move that’s sure to clog major arteries quicker than a call from Chris Christie.

White House: ‘No recollection’ of Trump meeting Kislyak at pre-speech last April

He just thought Yakov Smirnoff had really let himself go.

Ted and Heidi Cruz have dinner with Trump at White House

Ted’s dad was supposed to go but was afraid it was a trap to arrest him for that JFK thing.

Op-Ed: Los Angeles will be the next marijuana capital of the world

More specifically, it’ll be located at Tommy Chong’s house.

Spicer says ‘massive difference’ between CIA WikiLeaks leak, Podesta email leak

He then talked into potted plant so Russians could hear him.

The U.S economy added 235,000 thousand jobs in February

Although, most of those went to people at anti-Trump rallies.

Happy 46th birthday, Jon Hamm

While his junk remains 10…

Apple consultant arrested for murder after wife vanishes on cruise

Maybe she’s alive and just got lost using Apple maps to find a restroom.

WikiLeaks says it releases files on CIA cyber spying tools

CIA accused of spying? I’m shocked. I also hear there’s a rumor that gambling occurred at Rick’s Cafe in ‘Casablanca.’

The State of Hawaii will officially challenge Trump’s new travel ban executive order

Trump: Hawaii? Isn’t that a part of Kenya?

Monica Crowley breaks silence on plagiarism claims

Says about her future: “Whatever will be. Will be. Que sera sera.”

Scientists discovered how to have a better night’s sleep

What? And get off Twitter?

It’s National Pancake Day

Except for Sean Spicer where everyday is National Waffle Day.

North Korea fires four missiles into sea near Japan

Yeah, but Nordstrom…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)