Ripping the Headlines Today - by Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

NCAA Tournament: Bracket fever

I’m not saying my NCAA Office pool bracket got off to a bad start, but in two of the games I had the wrong guy singing the National Anthem.

Trump doesn’t want his name on TrumpCare

In fairness, he doesn’t put his name on anything made in the USA.

Main exit poll indicates Dutch Prime Minister Mark Rutte has won election over anti-Islam populist Geert Wilders.

He also carried California.

Happy 84th Birthday, Ruth Bader Ginsburg

She’s the second most popular Supreme. Right after Diana Ross.

Kellyanne Conway walked back Trump Tower surveillance remarks

Apparently, all of Trump’s kitchen appliances have alibis.

Justin Bieber refuses to take photo with fan: ‘You make me sick’

Sounds like someone’s putting together his audition reel for ‘Celeb Rehab 2028.’

U.K. intelligence agency GCHQ issues rare public statement to dismiss Trump Tower wiretapping claims as ‘utterly ridiculous’

But, they said it in a lovely accent.

Latest polls show broad opposition to GOP Obamacare replacement

Trump: Damn broads…

It’s Saint Patrick’s Day

Saint Patrick’s Day, or, as the old song goes, “When Irish Eyes are Bloodshot…”

Mikhail Lesin is ninth Russian to drop dead during Trump-Russia scandal; second with head bashed in

In Russia, that’s known as ‘natural causes.’

Sean Hannity hints Obama did cocaine, smoked weed with travel ban judge

Sounds like someone’s jealous.

Happy 91st Birthday, Jerry Lewis

I hear kids got the day off from school in France.

‘Beauty and the Beast’ grosses $115MM over 3 days

Imagine how much more it would have made if all the characters were gay.

Chuck Berry, Rock & Roll Legend, dead at 90

‪Anyone know if he ever forgave Maybelline for not being true?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)