Ripping the Headlines Today - by Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Chuck Schumer: Democrats will filibuster Neil Gorsuch’s nomination

At least until he and Tom Bergeron prove they’re not same person.

Arkansas teenager finds 7.44-carat diamond in state park

Good chance that pretty soon he’ll be engaged to Mariah Carey.

Speaker Ryan falls short in first test of Trump presidency

If history matters, Paul Ryan better start worrying that Trump will dump him for a younger Speaker.

New supposedly magic jeans promise to reduce cellulite

I’m guessing they’re confusing it with magic genes.

Teen made website where kittens punch Trump. So, Trump unleashed his lawyers

That’s probably because Trump only likes grabbing pussies that don’t punch back.

Some right-wing media sites under investigation for possible Russia ties

Now we’re talking support in a red state.

Trump drops 220 spots on Forbes list of billionaires

Maybe, Donald Jr. and Eric Trump actually are running the company.

What happens when the Queen dies?

For one, Prince Charles better have an airtight alibi.

Kellyanne Conway’s husband appointed to Justice Department

While her microwave oven can’t get security clearance.

Fox News pulls Judge Napolitano off the air

Bringing a bad name to a terrific ice cream choice.

It’s National Napping Day

Or, as Ben Carson calls it, “Monday.”

Rick Perry challenges election of Texas A&M’s first gay student body president

He’s also demanding that people boycott Dairy Queen.

Trump: Kim Jong Un ‘acting very, very badly’

That’s pretty much what he said about Meryl Streep.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)