Ripping the Headlines Today - by Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump orders missile strike on Syria

Maybe, first he should have offered to send Kendall Jenner over there with a can of Pepsi.

Barry Manilow announces he’s gay

In similar news, Chris Christie says he loves cake.

40% of Americans more cautious with email after election hacking: Poll

While 60% say any problem can be solved with the money they’ll inherit from Nigerian uncle.

The GOP Health Care bill falls apart ― again ― and no one can agree whose fault it is

Choices: Obama, Nordstrom or Meryl Streep.

Burger King introduces new Froot Loops milkshake

Look for Mike Huckabee to protest it as being too gay.

U.S. vows sanctions to follow strikes on Syria as tension with Russia grows

If Trump really wants to destroy the Syrian economy, he should open up a bunch of Trump Casinos in Aleppo and Damascus.

Hugh Hefner skips party for his new Amazon series

If it doesn’t require Viagra, there’s no reason these days for Hef to stay up.

Job growth loses steam as U.S. adds 98,000 in March

And, most of those went to Jared Kushner…

Steve Bannon removed from NSC

Looks like Kushner won this round, proving blood is thicker than scotch and soda

Secret Service agent on Pence detail arrested for allegedly soliciting prostitute

Yeah, but it’s ok because he didn’t go to dinner alone with her.

Donald Trump back on the golf course for the 14th time in 10 weeks

MAGA = Making America Golf Again.

Birthday surprise for ageless Doris Day, her birth certificate: she’s actually 95

…and, Kenyan.

Tiffany Trump makes her first White House visit

No word if she paid full price or got a family discount for taking a White House Tour.

Congress leaves for its spring break

When what they really need is to be sent to detention.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)