Ripping the Headlines Today - by Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today

Justin Trudeau challenges Matthew Perry to a rematch of Canadian elementary school yard fight

The winner gets to kick Bieber’s ass.

With major EPA cuts looming, Scott Pruitt wants a 10-person, 24/7 security detail

Most of them will just drink any tap water…

Democrats say they sometimes need to ignore elections in order to win

In related news, Cleveland Indians to have that World Series victory parade.

Daily Mail pays Melania Trump $2.9 million to settle lawsuit over escort story

No word if they handed her the check or left it on her night table…

Sounds like Netflix is bringing back Carmen Sandiego?

And, I’ve been wondering where in the flipping world she’s been…

Man dragged from United Airlines flight to take legal action

Guess he should feel lucky they didn’t remove him after take off.

Ivanka may have convinced her dad to bomb Syria

And, it wasn’t a warning shot to Assad, but to Nordstrom.

Man convicted of killing his sister spits at judge and yells obscenities after his sentencing

And, you thought your family sucked.

Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort was slapped with 13 health violations at its last kitchen inspection

Look for Trump to blame overrated Chef Meryl Streep.

Bannon and Kushner hold sit-down in attempt to bury the hatchet

…in Reince Priebus.

FBI director: Public should know of agenda-driven fake news

Unless this is agenda-driven fake news…

China warns war could break out ‘at any moment’ over North Korea

Can’t we just watch old episodes of M*A*S*H?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)