Ripping the Headlines Today - by Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

The Obamas will donate $2 million to support summer jobs in Chicago this year

Stay the hell away from those jobs, will ya, Ryan Seacrest?

Brad Pitt discusses getting sober

‪Dude, you have like 30 kids. If you aren’t drinking something’s wrong.

Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip to retire from royal duties

I’m shocked, Prince Phillip was actually doing something…

What you need to know about the GOP plan and pre-existing conditions

Make sure you don’t have any…

White House breaks with 16-year tradition of marking Cinco De Mayo

Apparently, Mexico wouldn’t pay for the celebration.

Trump administration signaled it may take the only action that could actually stop North Korea

Paging Dennis Rodman! Paging Dennis Rodman!

Happy 58^th birthday, Brian Williams

If that’s even your real name.

NFL Draft Day 2017 ends

… and the Cleveland Browns are already mathematically eliminated from making the Super Bowl

Texas teacher allegedly had sex with 4 High School boys, including 2 at once

What was she teaching? Multiplication?

We tried McDonald’s, Wendy’s, and Burger King’s signature burgers — and the winner is unmistakable

Uh, heart disease…

Apple now pays the biggest dividend in the world, surpassing Exxon’s payout

Bringing about the new phrase ‘iPadding One’s Bills.’

FCC launches investigation into Stephen Colbert’s Trump insults

Damn good chance Colbert tells them to go FCC themselves.

French candidate’s campaign emails leaked online days before election

Time to start Russian to conclusions.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)