Ripping the Headlines Today - by Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Canada is about to fully legalize marijuana

Let’s face it, if Trump moved in next door, wouldn’t you?

Fox News’ Kimberly Guilfoyle says she’s in talks to replace Sean Spicer

Clearly, she keeps a secret well enough to fit right in.

The 1 thing Will and Kate must do when they first see the Queen

Say how much they love ‘Tiny Dancer.’ Oh wait, wrong Queen…

McCain: Russia probe reaching the point ‘of Watergate size’

The way things are going Melania will never get to visit the White House.

Happy Birthday, Malcom X

If Malcom were alive today he would be XCII.

Trump may have revealed classified info to Russians in Oval Office

… who apparently asked him to repeat it, louder and into their tie clips.

Woman spends 3 weeks in intensive care after eating gas station nacho cheese

Wonder if she used the self-service stomach pump.

Callista Gingrich reportedly to become Ambassador to the Vatican

Hopefully the Pope is more forgiving than Newt’s first two wives.

Jeb Bush delivers huge ‘told you so’ about ‘chaos President’ Donald Trump

He was going to say so sooner but didn’t have the energy.

Psychologist says yelling at your kids is a waste of time and energy

While yelling at other people’s kids is a good time for all.

Michael Flynn refuses to cooperate with Senate Intelligence Committee

Or, as Flynn’s lawyers put it, ‘nyet.’

RIP Roger Ailes

In lieu of flowers, his family asks that you behave inappropriately to someone at work today in his honor.

First Lady Melania Trump forgoes head scarf in Saudi Arabia

Disappointing people who thought she’d meant something else when she said she’d go topless.

Kim Kardashian’s (Rumored) Plastic Surgeon says her butt is ‘too big’ and should be a warning

To anyone nearby when she eats a bean burrito.

Anthony Weiner pleads guilty to sexting a minor

Even if all the evidence is circumcisional.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)