Ripping the Headlines Today - by Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump confirms he is under investigation and blames his own Justice Department

…And their overrated, so-called, cookies

Amazon is buying Whole Foods for $13.7 billion

They could have bought Food 4 Less for half that price.

Mueller expands special counsel office, hires 13 lawyers

For Watergate aficionados that’s known as a ‘Howard Baker’s Dozen.’

Thanks to Iliza Schlesinger, vagina jokes take over Twitter

In fact, so many people are telling vagina jokes on Twitter, Trump spent all day grabbing at his cell phone’s touch screen.

It’s Father’s Day

Or, as Maury Povich calls it, ‘Every weekday, check your local listings for time and channel.’

Polygamous sect leader Lyle Jeffs captured after1 year

Bet when they caught him, he was sitting outside a ladies room holding a lap full of purses.

Yoko received co-writing credit for John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’

Original lyric: ‘Imagine there’s no Beatles, it was so easy I barely had to try.’

Trump visits the Supreme Court

Where he blocked traffic, so he’s also guilty of ‘Obstruction of Justices.’

We tried milkshakes from McDonald’s, Chick-fil-A, Burger King, Dairy Queen, Wendy’s – and the winner was…

Diabetes.

U.S charging at least 10 Turkish security officers in Embassy melee

Erdogan says U.S is full of Istanbul.

Red Sea controversy: Egypt to transfer two islands to Saudi Arabia

That’s part the Red Sea, not parting with the Red Sea, Egypt.

President spends Father’s Day at Camp David

I hear Jared Kushner gave him a classic gift for Father’s Day… Russian ties.

Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea, thanks to a marijuana website

Which answers the question, what would anyone have to be smoking to go to N Korea?

Delta drops Shakespeare in the Park over Trump-inspired ‘Julius Caesar’

United said they’re in as long as Caesar lives and then gets dragged off stage.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)