Ripping the Headlines Today - by Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Rubio’s awkward hug with Ivanka goes viral

If you think this looks awkward, imagine if Rubio wasn’t standing on a stepladder.

People who eat fried potatoes 2 or more times a week double their risk of an early death: Study

I’m betting the study was done by the onion ring industry…

Hillary Clinton: If Republicans pass this bill, they’re the death party

She didn’t actually say it. She sent it as an email, and Wikileaks leaked it.

Clooney and Partners sell Tequila to Diageo for $1 Billion

At least now we know what he was drinking when he agreed to do ‘Hail Caesar.’

Porn star gets out of jail and starts GoFundMe to ‘get back on her on feet’ again

Or, enough to, at least, get back on her back.

Gov. Christie thoughts on his 15 percent approval rating? ‘I don’t care’

Adding, on his future: ‘I’ll block that bridge when I get to it.’

Jared Kushner makes first public remarks since Trump inauguration

And, you can barely see Ivanka’s lips move.

Millions of bizarre sea creatures are storming the Pacific

Or, as they’re also known, typical Californians in the summer.

Sean Spicer ‘got fatter,’ Steve Bannon

Having to eat crap daily will do that to you.

NBA draft on ESPN

Or, as the Kardashians call it, ‘Tinder.’

Trump pitches solar panels for border wall

And, making the moon pay for it.

Police literally drag people away from McConnell’s office as protests break out over GOP bill

Well, at least, the bill has the support of United Airlines.

Cubs prospect shatters stadium lights with ‘Home Run Derby’ homer

Robert Redford’s still got it.

Bill Cosby to hold seminars on how to avoid sexual assault

Followed by birth control advice from the Duggars.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)