Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Outside McConnell’s home LGBT activists had an anti GOP health plan dance party

It was like someone organized a protest and the Tony Awards broke out.

Someone smashed a statue of the Ten Commandments in Arkansas

Damn, that’s ambitious; most of us just break them one at a time.

Marine Le Pen charged over EU funding scandal: Lawyer

So, Le Pen could wind up in the le pen.

CNN: How to move 500 elephants

Tell them Barack Obama wants them to stay put.

Scarborough, Brzezinski say White House used National Enquirer as threat

Seems they were with Ted Cruz’s dad in grassy knoll.

Kim Kardashian suffers epic wardrobe malfunction

So, her clothes stayed on?

Happy 91st birthday, Mel Brooks

May the Schwartz be with you.

Trump complains Russian collusion is Obama’s fault

So, instead of complaining about Obama, Trump should be sending him a thank you card.

EU fines Google a record 2.4 billion euros in antitrust case

If you don’t believe it, you can Google it…

Majority of Americans would give up alcohol to see Trump impeached; Survey

In fairness, they only started because he’s President.

In Nevada, people 21 and over can now legally buy weed for recreational use

Putting the pot in jackpot.

Jason Chaffetz to join FOX News as a contributor

So, he’s keeping his day job.

North Korea’s Jong Un spends most of his time eating cheese, plotting against the West

That explains why everything is so backed up in North Korea.

Report: Russian Ambassador Kislyak being recalled amid election controversy

While Trump officials are trying to not recall him at all.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)