Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump Tower meeting included more people beyond Russian lawyer

Exclusive: Picture of Russians on the way to meeting with Trump Jr.

Nevada Governor issues state of emergency over marijuana shortage

Congrats, Nevada, you’re now just like any given night at my college dorm.

DeAngelo Williams refuses to play for four NFL teams

Five, if you count the Jacksonville Jaguars as an actual professional football team.

Trump in France for Bastille Day

No word if the reception committee includes Kathy Griffin.

Donald Trump Jr. posts emails leading to meeting for Hillary Clinton info

Don Jr.’s lawyer better step in before he tweets where he buried Jimmy Hoffa. Jeez.

A growing sinkhole swallows homes in Florida

I guess that means Florida can’t stand its own grounds.

Jared Kushner added 100 names to his list of foreign contacts: Report

And, that’s just the people who attended that Don Jr. meeting.

Delta flight attendant smashes wine bottle over disruptive passenger’s head

No word, if they also charged the passenger a fee for the wine…

China says U.S. has apologized for name gaffe

In fairness, a lot of people mix-up Red and Blac Chyna.

If you want to see how divided America is, look at Hannity and Maddow’s ratings

In an ironic twist, Hannity looks more like a stereotypical lesbian.

Pediatricians advise no fruit juice until kids are 1

But now what are parents now supposed to mix with the tequila?

Happy 75th birthday, Richard Roundtree

Cat still a ‘bad mutha,’ ‘a brotha man’ that can still ‘shut your mouth.’ ‘Can you dig it?’

‘Watch your back, b*itch’: Trump lawyer Kasowitz threatens stranger in emails

Now, we know who wound up with all that lost Trump Vodka.

People are driving far and wide to try the new Costco food court cheeseburger

And, it has dozens of hamburger patties, 1,200 pickles, 600 slices of American cheese and feeds 300.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)